Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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