i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
