I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
