my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
