Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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