I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
