dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
