I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
