It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
