I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
