Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
