my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
