im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
