Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I touched a dick in church today
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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