when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
