did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
