Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I AM VODKA MAN
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
