dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
