seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize