Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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