Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
