do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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