the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
