Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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