Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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