u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
