I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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