they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
