i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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