so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize