She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Randomize
