HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
