Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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