You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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