Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
