Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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