My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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