someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
