shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
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