I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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