not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
