it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
