he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
