she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
