dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
