I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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