Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
