be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
organizing the empties. That sober.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
