sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
accomplished twins. life is a go
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
