It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
