Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
