we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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