What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
