flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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