I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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