You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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