The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
