Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
