Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
