its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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