i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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