I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
