I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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