He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
