I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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